How to Deal with an Overspending Spouse (with actionable steps)

It’s challenging to deal with an overspending spouse, especially in retirement, when your income is lower.

If your partner takes a less conservative approach to money, it can wreak havoc on a marriage.

But the problem can be addressed by agreeing on bigger financial goals and understanding the root of the issue.

Overspending by a partner—male or female—is often a serious problem that can damage relationships or, worse, lead to divorce or bankruptcy.

An overspending partner is also fairly common. About a third of respondents to a Creditcards.com survey in 2020 said they spent more than their partner would like them to, with 12% admitting they had secret debt.

When we are working, stopping for a coffee before work or going out to eat twice a week, is normal for us. And you didn’t pay much attention to them. But once we retire these small spending habits can eat up our small retirement income.

This Post is About Dealing with an Overspending Spouse in Retirement.

How to Deal with an Overspending Spouse in Retirement

You’re never going to agree on everything in a relationship, but it’s important to discuss money with your partner. This will help you make better financial decisions together.

So what can you do when you and your partner have different spending habits? How to stop a spouse from overspending?

I hesitated to write this article because I cannot draw from personal experience. But, I saw this information in “The Complete Tightwad Gazette” book and wanted to share it with you.

NOTE: In my experience, husband and wife are equally as likely to be bed with money and overspend. My use of the genre HE is for simplicity only.

1. Financial Goal

Establish a financial goal that you both can agree on. Without a goal, saving money has no meaning, but with one, you have a beginning point for encouraging change. The goal should be very specific and have a time period attached. By choosing a goal you show him how he can benefit from the change.

2. Gather Evidence

Gather Evidence. Know how much money you have coming in and where it goes. Record your spending habits meticulously. If your spouse will not participate, then you can at least show him how much is unaccountable. Put together as comprehensive a proposal as possible before you call a meeting. Graphs and charts are NOT extreme.

3. Schedule Time

Always confront your spouse at a “good time.” He should be relaxed and in a good mood. You may have to schedule a specific time. DO NOT CONFRONT in the HEAT of an ARGUMENT.

4. Stick to Facts

When you discuss the problem stick with the facts. Do not label, accuse, or blame. Say something such as:

The objective is to discuss the problem in a way that is easiest for him to hear. You want to maximize your chance to sell frugal living… NOT TO BE “RIGHT.”

5. Be the Leader

Be the leader. Your record of spending should show that you don’t spend on anything that could be considered non-essential. If cutting on the food bill requires more cooking from scratch, and your spouse doesn’t want to do it, then you need to learn to cook.

6. Small Changes

Request small changes rather than sweeping reforms. When these changes have been accepted, increase the waiting time, or several meatless meals, or ask for a new change.

FOR EXAMPLE: Request a waiting period of a month between when he tells you he wants to buy something and when he makes the purchase. Or convince the meat-and-potatoes spouse to have one meatless meal per month.

7. Pocket Money

Give your spouse some freedom. Agree to a small amount of money that your spouse can spend on anything wanted…say $50, or $100 per week. Determine a sum of money that fits into your budget. That discretionary fund is to be spent without comment or criticism from you. Give yourself a discretionary fund as well.

8. Show

Show him. If an item goes on sale for which he paid full price a week earlier, point it out in a tactful way. If you discover something that works and saves money, show him. The GENTLE and REGULAR sharing of information over time may win him.

9. It Is His Idea

Sometimes the person your spouse is least likely to hear information from you. If this is the case in your marriage, get him to think it is his idea. Say to him “What do you think about…?” Repeat this every few days. With any luck in time, he will tell you about his new idea.

10. Patience

Be patient. Pushing too hard for change may cause your spouse to reject your wishes. Real behavior modifications take time.

“You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.“

BOTTOM LINE: The truth is that you cannot change your spouse. Genuine change results from an inner willingness and cannot be imposed by others. I suspect that if a change runs completely against someone’s character, the best you can hope for is a small degree of BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

How to Cope with a Husband or Wife’s Bad Spending Habits

Unfortunately, when you’re a married couple, you’re on the hook for any debt that your partner incurs. It may jeopardize your own financial future.

This Blog Post is About Dealing with an Overspending Spouse in Retirement.